In order to explain why I feel so strongly about this next movie I must put it in context to my situation. For several years (and the past few months in particular), I’ve been going through kind of a rough patch. I really identified with the characters in the movie because I see a little bit of myself in some of them, especially the main character and especially the main character at the end of the story.
You see, coping with disability is one of the themes in How to Train Your Dragon. It’s subtle enough that you might miss it if you’re not looking out for it, but it’s definitely there and it’s especially evident in the movie’s final scenes.
This is the kind of movie that is has two layers. On the surface, it’s a story about a boy and his dragon. On a deeper level, the movie is about overcoming adversity when you are differently able. I’ll give one example and I’m sorry, but it’s a spoiler. It’s a minor spoiler, so you can read it. The dragon the boy befriends can’t fly properly after a fall that destroyed one of its tail fins. The boy creates a prosthetic for the dragon and, in the process of perfecting the prosthetic, the bond between them strengthens. Another example (I’ll keep it vague): At the end of the movie, the main character takes a major setback in stride and it didn’t come off as unrealistic.
This movie was touching, funny, and inspirational. (Plus I saw it in IMAX 3D and the effects were very cool.) I give How to Train Your Dragon a rating of -9.5 on the B.E. scale.
I hate it when reviews give away the entire plot of a movie. I promise never to do that. I will give the premise of the movie and a rating on the B.E. scale. Don't watch the trailer to this film if you plan on watching the movie--it gives everything away: Trailer The Last House on the Left is a re-imagining of the 1972 movie of the same name. Friends Mary and Paige are abducted by a gang of psychopathic criminals. The criminals become stranded near Mary’s house. (Because Mary managed to trick the gang into taking the road to her house rather than the one that leads to a main road. Mary did this in order to get help from her parents in what is apparently a remote area.) The scenes where the girls are brutalized are difficult to watch, but it makes the scenes of violent retribution that follow strangely satisfying. (The term “serves him right” came to mind when a garbage disposal became involved.)
Without giving it away, I have to say that this is a good movie ruined by its final scene. (I won’t ruin it except to say that microwaves don’t work that way.)
The final scene forced me to give an otherwise good movie a rating of 3 on the B.E. scale.
Welcome to the B.E. scale. Basically, this blog features movie reviews. Specifically, the movies are all measured against Battlefield Earth. I recommend that you watch Battlefield Earth to fully appreciate the scale and its function.
But be warned: Battlefield Earth is possibly the most horrible movie you will ever see.
After seeing the movie, I realized that on a scale that rates bad movies from 1 to 10, Battlefield Earth is an 11. And so a new scale is necessary: one where Battlefield Earth is an 11 and all other movies are 10.5 or less.
Right now you’re thinking, “It’s the worst movie ever and he wants me to watch it?” Yes. You must watch it if you are to fully comprehend the rating system. A 10.5 is beyond bad because it’s almost as bad as the steaming pile that is Battlefield Earth.
Good movies will not be left out of this review blog. They are on a scale from -11 to -1. No movie should fall at 0. Well, maybe a documentary on the coconut crab would...
Let’s start with a review of Battlefield Earth. Like I said, you should watch it. But if you have a weak constitution, maybe you should only read the review and leave the masochism to a professional.
No, you know what? Misery loves company, so I’ve changed my mind. I will merely give you the premise to the movie. To understand the true scope of the horror, you must watch it yourself.
The movie is set in the year 3000. About a thousand years before, aliens named Psychlos rained destruction
on Earth, taking over our planet in under 10 minutes. Now (in 3000) most humans are slaves to the Psychlos, forced to do back-breaking work in mines and such. Humans who are not enslaved live in primitive mountain tribes, hoping to avoid capture.
The Psychlo Chief of Security is Terl (John Travolta), a being bent on Intergalactic domination. But when a human named Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper) is newly enslaved, he may be the key to the salvation of the whole human race.
Jonnie Goodboy Tyler? Really? I’ll just give you a taste of what it’s like to watch the film. Psychlos refer to humans frequently as “man-animals.” If it sounds bad, you have no idea.
Battlefield Earth is based on the novel of the same name by the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard. That explains why John Travolta was in it. (He was and is a scientologist.) I cast no aspersions on the book, since I’ve never read it.
He actually says, “If we ever do torture again…instead of waterboarding, we should make them watch Battlefield Earth over and over. By the third [viewing] they’ll give up their own mother to make it stop.” I couldn’t agree more, J. D. You think he might be overstating it? Watch it and see.
I saw the movie for free, so I can’t even begin to imagine how suicidal the people who actually spent money to see it were. All I remember thinking after I was subjected to it was, “I want the last 2 hours of my life back.”
