Welcome to the B.E. scale. Basically, this blog features movie reviews. Specifically, the movies are all measured against Battlefield Earth. I recommend that you watch Battlefield Earth to fully appreciate the scale and its function.
But be warned: Battlefield Earth is possibly the most horrible movie you will ever see.
After seeing the movie, I realized that on a scale that rates bad movies from 1 to 10, Battlefield Earth is an 11. And so a new scale is necessary: one where Battlefield Earth is an 11 and all other movies are 10.5 or less.
Right now you’re thinking, “It’s the worst movie ever and he wants me to watch it?” Yes. You must watch it if you are to fully comprehend the rating system. A 10.5 is beyond bad because it’s almost as bad as the steaming pile that is Battlefield Earth.
Good movies will not be left out of this review blog. They are on a scale from -11 to -1. No movie should fall at 0. Well, maybe a documentary on the coconut crab would...
Let’s start with a review of Battlefield Earth. Like I said, you should watch it. But if you have a weak constitution, maybe you should only read the review and leave the masochism to a professional.
No, you know what? Misery loves company, so I’ve changed my mind. I will merely give you the premise to the movie. To understand the true scope of the horror, you must watch it yourself.
The movie is set in the year 3000. About a thousand years before, aliens named Psychlos rained destruction
on Earth, taking over our planet in under 10 minutes. Now (in 3000) most humans are slaves to the Psychlos, forced to do back-breaking work in mines and such. Humans who are not enslaved live in primitive mountain tribes, hoping to avoid capture.
The Psychlo Chief of Security is Terl (John Travolta), a being bent on Intergalactic domination. But when a human named Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper) is newly enslaved, he may be the key to the salvation of the whole human race.
Jonnie Goodboy Tyler? Really? I’ll just give you a taste of what it’s like to watch the film. Psychlos refer to humans frequently as “man-animals.” If it sounds bad, you have no idea.
Battlefield Earth is based on the novel of the same name by the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard. That explains why John Travolta was in it. (He was and is a scientologist.) I cast no aspersions on the book, since I’ve never read it.
But someone who did read it was the author of the screenplay adaptation, J.D. Shapiro. A man who, until recently, I thought should be publicly shot for his crime. I say “until recently” because he has recently apologized to the public for the movie. See his apology here: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/showbiz/2010/04/04/nr.battlefield.earth.cnn?iref=allsearch
He actually says, “If we ever do torture again…instead of waterboarding, we should make them watch Battlefield Earth over and over. By the third [viewing] they’ll give up their own mother to make it stop.” I couldn’t agree more, J. D. You think he might be overstating it? Watch it and see.
I saw the movie for free, so I can’t even begin to imagine how suicidal the people who actually spent money to see it were. All I remember thinking after I was subjected to it was, “I want the last 2 hours of my life back.”
Stay tuned. More reviews to come.
